Heart to Hearts


March 19, 2018

Victim Mentality: Toxic Mindset. melmorel.com - Image Gabriel Matula via UNSPLASH

“How would your life be different if . . .
You stopped validating your victim mentality?

Let today be the day . . .
You shake off your self-defeating drama and embrace your innate ability to recover and achieve.”

Steve Maraboli


Today, I want to talk about a very common issue and one that I used to get stuck in all too often. I am referring to always feeling sorry for yourself and to think that you are a victim when something ends up upsetting you.

What I have learnt is you cannot move on and be happy with your life if you act like a victim. In this post, I am going to explain why I feel that playing the victim is very “detrimental” to your happiness.


Victims get easily upset because they are convinced that they have little or no control of their external world. In fact, they believe that the external world is the problem. It is why victims have a tendency to blame other people and circumstances for the unhappiness they feel.

When you live like a victim, you don’t have to take RESPONSIBILITY and ACTION. Well, you don’t have to, because in your headspace you have no control and no ability to improve or change the problem.

There are many benefits of playing the victim and I must say it can be quite addictive. Being a victim gives you a sense of power, attention and worthiness, hence the difficulty to shift from this toxic mindset:

• You are not responsible for anything
• You don’t have to take action
• Your uneasiness makes people less likely to disapprove or upset you
• Your drama makes people feel sorry for you and gets you some attention
• Your stories make people feel obliged to help you
• You have a “need” and “right” to complain which will most likely get you what you want


But because victims believe that the world is against them, they also feel:

Sad; Unhappy; Grumpy; Angry; Negative; Tense; Threatened; Frightened; Inadequate; Weak; Powerless; Low in self-esteem; Lack of confidence; Frustrated; Unfulfilled; Doubtful; Pessimistic and Cynical.


Personally, by the language that they use. In my opinion, negative, pessimistic and defeatist are the best words to describe a victim’s language and these are the sort of things victims tell themselves and people:

• It is too difficult
• It is too much hard work
• I am too old to do that
• It is impossible
• I will fail
• I will fail again
• Life is unfair
• Life is hard
• It is your fault
• It can’t be me
• I will try
• Maybe
• Let me think about it
• I am not good enough
• What is the point?
• It is easy for you to say
• Look at me?
• I am not pretty enough
• I am not attractive
• When I lose the weight
• I don’t earn enough
• I am not confident in that field
• I am not sure
• I am not good enough
• I am not clever enough
• I am not qualified enough
• I am so unlucky
• Life is not on my side
• Why me?

I don’t know about you, but seeing this long list of negative words makes me feel uncomfortable. Did you know that a single negative word can increase the activity in the amygdala (the fear centre of the brain)? This releases dozens of stress-producing hormones and neurotransmitters. These negative words send a message to the brain affecting the logic, reasoning and language processing.

Each time a victim mentality vocalise negativity, more stress chemicals are released, not only in the victim’s brain, but in the listener’s brain too. The listener will feel an increase of uneasiness and irritability, therefore causing discouragement and lack of trust. This is one of the reasons why we don’t like to be surrounded by negative people.

For more information on the effects of positive and negative speech, see Words Can Change Your Brain (Newberg & Waldman).


Now, ask yourself this question: Who is responsible for the REALITY of your life?

• Your parents?
• Your spouse?
• Your boss?
• Your friends?
• Your family?
• Your children?
• The economy?
• The government?
• The media?
• The weather?…

The reality of your life is determined only by YOU. Your THOUGHTS. Your FEELINGS. And your ACTIONS.

You are the only one who has the power and control to change your life circumstances.

So, if you want to STOP all the inner pains and troubles, you must take 100% responsibility for your life!

It is very scary to admit that you are responsible for everything that happens to you in life. But, the day you stop blaming others for all your problems and bad luck in your life, everything miraculously starts changing.


Remind yourself that you are the creator of your reality. Your reality is created by your thoughts, emotions and beliefs.

Your THOUGHTS become you.

Your EMOTIONS follow you.

Your BELIEFS build around you.

When you choose to be a victim, you are not living the life that you were born to live. You shy away from taking risks or changing your circumstances and you feel destined to live with toxic emotions that are not healthy to building a happy and successful life.

“Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, you are probably right.” Henry Ford


If you are still reading this because deep in your heart you are ready to shift a victim mentality, here is a wonderful flower essence that can support you to step out of this toxic mindset:

Willow is for those who feel sorry for themselves and show signs of negative thought patterns. They feel bitter towards life and have a tendency to blame others for their life situation. Because a negative attitude can create a negative reality, this essence turns a negative attitude into a positive one and helps you to take responsibility for your life. Willow will restore optimism in your ability to create the life you want.

The Bach Flower Essences aim to soothe our emotions and thoughts. They help us to regain positivity and control when the stress, worry and pressure of daily life overwhelms us. The Flower Essences are profoundly healing, and the most common feedback from my clients is that they feel so much lighter and more positive after just a few days of using them.

Put 2 drops of Willow Flower Essence in a large glass of water. That’s all there is to it.
I recommend the above at least four times a day.

Please leave your thoughts and any questions that you may have in the comment box below.

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